MSN Is Overly Optimistic About How Carefully Its Audience Reads

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The Sperminator and the Poor-man Hater

In case you haven’t heard, Arnold Schwarzenegger has just copped to a love-child that he fathered with a member of the help, while Donald “The Donald” Trump is not running for president.

In honor of this non news, here is a list of imaginary movies that I imagine these two larger-than-life-lugs would have starred in together if given the opportunity:

  • Conan the Bizarre-hairian
  • Total Rejects
  • Vast Distraction Hero (alt: Caste Action Zero)
  • True Lies
  • Single All the Way
  • Slutman and Robbin’
  • The Sexth Day
  • Around the Girl in Shady Ways
  • The Expendables

(Also, if Google images is to be believed, they’ve never even been photographed together. WTF Google images. Instead, please enjoy these videos of Conan O’Brien doing impressions of both of them.)

(Sort of cross-posted at Brutish&Short.)

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See you on Broadway

I’ve got a great new idea for a Broadway production entitled Intermission. The idea is, the audience shows up, stares at empty stage for an hour, then watches 10 minutes of performances before enjoying another hour of curtain gazing.

Or how about this one examining one man’s obsession with the dictionary. I call it WordPlay. Catchphrase: “It’s a play…on words.” Could be almost as exciting as Intermission.

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I Heart You Mom

In honor of Mother’s Day:

Ten points for anyone who can guess what the hell body part this is tattooed on. (I don’t know the answer, by the way. And I don’t think I want to…)

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American Expressed

Got a piece of mail from American Express yesterday. As usual, I ripped it open without paying too much attention to the envelope itself. However, as I was about to recycle it, I noticed the following message:

Just in case it’s not clear, here’s a (crappy) close up:

Yes, that’s right: an envelope that helpfully informs you that there is a “Document Enclosed” — you know, to set it apart from all the empty ones you usually receive.

Oh well, I guess it beats their self-satisfied horn tooting about credit limits that you’re actually welcome to exceed at any time.

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Obama mama drama. I mean, daddy drama.

So Pres. Obama finally released his long-form birth certificate (PDF) today.

Now, first of all, did you know that he’s actually Barack Hussein Obama the second??? Because I don’t think I realized that, and that makes me wonder: If Pres. Obama’s father — the original Barack Hussein Obama, who supposedly died in an automobile accident in 1982 — were to return today from a death that he potentially faked in anticipation of his son’s future occupation, would he also be considered President of the United States? I mean, they do have the same name and all, and though his father was definitively born outside the U.S., I think this is something Trump and co. might want to look into, just to be safe.

Second of all, the certificate says that Pres. Obama was born August 4, 1961. However, Hawaii didn’t even become a state until August 21, 1959, which means that if the president has lied about his age by a “youthening margin” (technical term) of even two years, he still wouldn’t be a United States citizen! I mean, does anyone else think it’s odd how quickly his hair has gone gray for a supposed 49-year-old?

Anyway, just doing my part to save the republic.

(cross posted at Brutish&Short)

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Less Successful Hip-Hop and R&B Acts

  • Boyz II Men’s Rooms
  • Kool & the Gangrene
  • Salt-N-Vinega
  • Earth, Wind, & Fred
  • Keith Sweatpants
  • Naughty by Nurture
  • Mary J. Bilge
  • Diana Kübler-Ross
  • Hi-C and Ho Hos
  • Run DeLorean Motor Company
  • Poindexter Sisters
  • Sister Sludge
  • The Commodore 64s

Youre once... twice... three times the RAM of the Commodore PET.

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