Like many people arrogant enough to think that others might be interested in, or entertained by, what they have to say (a.k.a., “writers”), I try to carry a pen and notebook with me at all times. In a pinch, I will also use my cell phone to record the latest product of my rapist’s wit, but this is usually a last resort because my cell phone sucks like a Dyson — specifically, British supreme court justice, John Dyson. (I mean, did you read his ruling on GUR v Avrupa Newspaper Ltd? What an arse!)
The point is, I’ve acquired a lot of these notebooks over the years, each one filled with ideas ranging from, “Hmm, I should really get on that!” to “Wait, what hell? Was I high when I wrote this? What does Requirements for foreign residency in U.S.: Genocide? Assassination? Communist? mean?” Perhaps I shouldn’t let a half-decade pass between the time I write these things down and the time I finally come back to them, but you know how it is. (It’s “yellow,” if you didn’t know.) Anyway, because I have no longer have any clue where I intended to go with some of these jottings, please enjoy the following randomly selected thoughts and bon mots from one of my many Idea Notepads (or, as I’ve always referred to them, “iPads”) without any attempt at context or segues whatsoever:
- DJ Me Gay — The Grammatically Suspect Homosexual Disc Jockey
- Why do they call it a “time share”? That sounds like something out of The Matrix. Shouldn’t it be called a “condo share”?
- Hilarious t-shirt idea: plain black tee with the words “I have nothing relevant to say, so I let my t-shirts speak for me.” printed on the front.
- Potential book jacket blurb for “About the Author” section of first novel: Trevor is considered something of an intellectual philanthropist, generously bequeathing large sums of wisdom and knowledge on the grateful, ignorant masses.
- Why is chopped liver the standard by which we measure unpopularity? Does this piss off people who actually like chopped liver?
- Title of comedy-night fundraiser sponsored by advocates to legalize marijuana: Rolling in the Aisles.
- One man’s junk is one in ten men’s treasure.
- White rice, Chicken Wings, Beef Teriyaki, Golden Fried Wontons, Egg ro– [Editor’s Note: On second thought, this one’s probably what it sounds like.]
- When someone says something is all part of God’s plan, I have to wonder: Why does God need a plan? Isn’t he God? Isn’t God omnipotent? Why would an omnipotent being need a plan? A plan is just a means to an end used by those who don’t have the power to achieve that end immediately. An “omnipotent” being who is somehow unable to immediately achieve his ends? That doesn’t sound like God — that sounds like me.