Balls to the wall. And the grass. And everywhere else.

When the late Bon Scott of AC/DC sang

I’ve got big balls
I’ve got big balls
They’re such big balls
And they’re fancy big balls
And he’s got big balls
And she’s got big balls
But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all

I hope this picture doesn't make Google classify Write in the Kisser as bestiality.

he must have been projecting himself into the body of a male Tuberous bush cricket. After all, according to MSNBC, this particular cricket “has broken an unlikely world record: largest testicles in relation to body weight.”

Now, just between you and me, I’ll admit that I’m slightly disappointed to finally lose my favorite world record. Sure, the others are nice, and they make for good cocktail chatter, but there’s just something about being able to sidle up to someone at the bar, look them dead in the eye, and whisper, Baby, did you know I’ve got the biggest balls in the world? (I won’t say what there was about being able to do that, but it was undeniably “something.”)

According to the article,

The tuberous bushcricket’s testicles account for 14 percent of its body weight. To put that in perspective, the testicles of a man weighing 200 pounds (91 kilograms) with that ball-to-body ratio would weigh 28 pounds (12.7 kilograms).

Put another way, the largest tournament-legal bowling ball weighs no more than 16 pounds, which means that if you were to suddenly acquire this cricket’s testicular fortitude, you would literally be walking around with two bowling balls between your legs. I’m no doctor, but I imagine that could lead to some serious complications — for example, when trying on pants in a dressing room whose door only comes down to a foot above the floor. Not to mention that, with 28 pounds of pant nuttage going on, you’d need a seriously supportive sack just to haul everything around in. Take it from me — I had to have mine reinforced with Kevlar thread. Sure it hurt, but it was worth it to see the reactions at the local swimming hole.

Finally, just as I am no doctor, I am also, coincidentally, no scientist, but looking at that picture above, the phrase “big brass ones” doesn’t exactly spring to mind unbidden. More like “cotton balls,” if you ask me. (You did ask, right? No, that’s cool. I understand. We’re all busy…) The tuberous bush cricket might be all that and a bag of grapefruit in the locker room, but when it comes to the bush itself — well, I think you can take it from here.

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