CaddyWack

MY 1974 CADILLAC ELDORADO CONVERTIBLE
IS NOT HELPING ME PICK UP WOMEN

***

“Hey baby, whaddaya say? You wanna go for a ride in my 1974 Cadillac Eldorado Convertible? Yeah, you heard me: Convertible. All things to all people doll face, so what do you want her to be for you?”

Yeah, well same to YOU. Geeze, do you pick your nose with that finger?!

***

“Excuse miss, sorry to interrupt your daily constitutional, but I wanted to put you on notice that I couldn’t help but notice you noticin’ the four-way power seats I’ve got goin’ on in here.”

“Well, no, they’re not literally going on, of course—all those years sitting out in the rain without a top has pretty much rusted them in their tracks—but that doesn’t mean we can’t get a four way of our own going, right? That’s right, pick up your cell phone, call two of your friends…”

Oh haha, very funny. I know for a fact that 9-1-1 isn’t a real area code.

***

“Why yes, that is a power antenna, and believe you me, it’s not the only thing in this car that goes up when you turn it on! Say, why are you fumbling around in your purse like that? Do you nee—aww Christ lady, that stings like a mother!

***

“To answer your unspoken question—oops, I’m sorry, didn’t mean to startle you; I can buy you a new Choco Taco if you want. Anyway, as I was saying, to answer your unspoken question: 500 CUBIC INCHES. I’ll let you figure out if that’s my engine or my genitals we’re talking about.”

***

“I know. I can’t believe they had automatic climate control back then either!”

“Well, no, the fan belt’s busted or something, but you can imagine it, right? Besides, I’m pretty sure we can control our own climate around here. And judging by that skirt, I’d say right now the forecast reads HOT and MOIS—”

Ow! Son of a…How many rings are you wearing?!

***

“Yes, of course I realize it’s raining.”

“Yes, of course the top is capable of going up. You forget: this baby’s got power everything!

“Well, maybe I was hoping she would inspire you to follow her lead, you know? I mean, that tank top looks a little uncomfortable. Why not go ahead and take—”

“Ok, sheesh, I’ll put it up; we gotta pull over though… Okay, so if I just…”

[Runnhhhugh… rrrreeeeaaahhhhnnn…]

“No, it’s not supposed to make that noise. Just grab the pirate flag under your seat, would you? Okay, great, now wedge the shaft under the switch I was just pushin’ in the middle of the dashboard while I climb in the back here…oomph… I just gotta help it along a little, see? …Aww crap, the frame’s caught on the liner again. JESUS, STOP PRESSING THE DAMN SWITCH!!”

“I’m sorry, it’s just that you were about to tear it! Look, do me a favor and go around to the passenger side so you can stick your hand behind that metal scissor joint next to the window. That way, when it starts going up again…”

“Hey! I don’t think you’re allowed to just start walking along the highway like that! C’mon, get back in the car, okay? I was only kiddin’ about the hand thing. Besides, look, the top’s almost up! And if I shove this towel in the space between the windshield and the roof, we’ll barely get any water in here at all! C’mon, I promise you can hardly smell the exhaust fumes coming through the hole in the firewall anymore! …God damnit.”

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2 Responses to CaddyWack

  1. Todd Ehlers says:

    Wonderful. Especially the first half. That is when, by avoiding swear words, you’re self-disciplined to become more witty. And that first half had me laughing!

  2. Fariha says:

    Haha, I loved your caddy posting.I could visualize the scene in my mind. Oh, by the way, I’m garnet too and always wished I had a different birthstone like sapphire.

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