Voicemail Is Getting Too Intuitive

I’m sorry. The person you are trying to reach—TYPICAL MALE—is emotionally unavailable. If you would like to leave a message, you obviously have never tried to sustain a relationship with TYPICAL MALE; otherwise, you would know that he never gets the message. If you would still like to leave a message, please state your name, hair color, current insecurities, and bra size, and TYPICAL MALE will get back to you as soon as he can—unless you are smaller than a C, in which case, don’t even bother.

Thank you for your message. To hear more options, please press “1” now.

You have pressed an incorrect key.

You have pressed an incorrect key.

You have pressed an incorrect key. Fortunately, TYPICAL MALE has pressed a lot more incorrect keys in his time than you have—especially in the bedroom, where he probably couldn’t press the correct key even if you told him over and over again where that key was and exactly how firmly and quickly to press it, and even if you made him listen to an instructional audio recording with a professional voicemail box telling him in photographic detail the exact key-pressing techniques TYPICAL MALE might employ in order to properly finish the entire message-leaving process.

You have pressed an incorrect key.

Just kidding. You have pressed “1.” Unfortunately, there are no other options available and there probably never will be. Yes, you could suck it up and go back to living with your analog answering machines, but we both know that’s not going to happen. You could also try to get your waitressing job back at “Answer’s Dancers,” but do you really want to put up with those dirty old tapes pawing at your binary bits again? No, let’s face it. No matter what key you press, your only real option is to stay with TYPICAL MALE until you die—in a cramped, one-bedroom cell phone with no Bluetooth and only a slobbering VGA camera for any companionship you might desire outside of your optional vibration setting.

You have pressed an inco—oh just kill me now.

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This entry was posted in Short Form Flobbityjoop and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Voicemail Is Getting Too Intuitive

  1. nanodance says:

    You are very, very funny. Thanks for the blogexplosion comment. HumorBloggers.com sounds like my kind of tribe. Refer me and let them judge away.

  2. Hmm… Voice mail is becoming far too elaborate. Still, there are those who have to be told to speak after the beep.

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