As most wags are well aware, there are few places on earth more comedically fecund than the state of Florida. Whether bringing us news of the latest bikini rash car crash or ShamWow Showdown, the sunshine state is without peer when it comes to shining a light on people upon whom, frankly, the sun just shouldn’t shine (and in places where the sun don’t shine, no less). Today’s story from the Associated Press is no exception. In fact, it’s more like the rule:
BRADENTON, Fla. — When sheriff’s deputies allegedly discovered bags of marijuana and cocaine between a man’s buttocks, they said he gave a quick explanation. Manatee County deputies said Raymond Stanley Roberts told them “The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is.”
First of all, you’ve gotta admire a guy who tries to convince you that, out of all the things shoved up his poop chute, only half are his. Second of all, the sheer number of puns that can be spun off from that first sentence alone is enough to have wits and half-wits alike salivating at the opportunity. I’ll try not to steal them all, but here are a few prompts to inspire my vast (ahem) legions of commenters:
- “Talk about crack cocaine!”
- “Maybe he thought it was spelled suPOTsitory!”
- “Remember kids: Don’t do drugs. (And don’t let them do you, either.)”
So take it away! …no one.