Small Talk at My New Corporate Job Does Not Come Naturally to Me

Lara Winger – Manager, Event Planning: Hey Trevor, did you have a good Thanksgiving?
Me: Yeah, it was good.  Went home and saw the fam.
Lara: Aww, sounds nice.  Lots of food?
Me: Oh yeah, lots of food.
Lara: Haha, awesome.  I’m hoping a few people brought in some of their leftover deserts to share—cakes and pie or whatever.
Me: Mmm, I’d love to taste some of your pie.
Uh, I mean, yeah, me too.

Trisha Blake – Director, Marketing: Hey, what’s that you’re working on?
Me: Oh, just crunching some numbers for this new proposal.
Trisha: How’s that going?  Any problems?
Me: Nah, there aren’t too many fluctuations. Unlike with your weight.
Me: Uh, I mean, yeah, me too.

Gerard Stanton – Executive Vice President, Business Operations: So, Trevor, how are you liking corporate life so far?
Me: Oh, I think I’m getting the hang of it.
Gerard: Good, good.  I know it can be a little difficult to adjust at first, especially for someone with your background.
Me: My…background?
Gerard: Your freelance work, working from home—I know how informal that environment must have been.
Me: Oh, right, right.  Yeah, it’s a little weird not being able to take a noisy dump without worrying about anyone hearing, but I can usually fire one off before lunch as long as nobody’s in the stall next to me.

George T. Masterson, III – President, CEO: [on Bring Your Daughter to Work Day] And this, honey, is daddy’s office.  Do you want—
Me: Hey there big guy!  Is that your daughter?  Damn! Say, what are the chances we can institute “Bring Your Wife to Work Day”?  ‘Cause I’d love to get a look at the gams that squeezed that little darlin’ out!
Me: [to daughter] What’s your number, sweetie?

Sandra Spellman – Administrative Assistant: Hey Trev, I’m heading down to the caf for lunch soon.  Wanna come?
Me: I dunno, what are they servin’ today?
Sandra: Umm, chicken parm I think
Me: Chicken parm, huh?  That is tempting… though I promised myself I would stop buying lunch every day.
Sandra: C’mon, they never have chicken parm anymore.  You can start saving money tomorrow.
Me: All right, all right, you convinced me.  This’ll be good too, because I think Kwami is getting suspicious about who keeps stealing his collard greens from the fridge every day.  But you gotta let those affirmative action hires know who really deserves to be here, am I right?
Me: Friggin’ darkies.

Kwami Brown, Affirmative Action Hire: Listen Trevor, I think we need to talk.  Some of our colleagues have informed me that you could probably benefit from a few more diversity training seminars.
Me: Haha, what happened to your black-cent, bro?  You almost sounded white for a second there!  Whoo, “colleagues” indeed!
Kwami: [pops cap in my ass]
Me: [bleeding] Hmm, shoulda seen that one coming.

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2 Responses to Small Talk at My New Corporate Job Does Not Come Naturally to Me

  1. M-Pop says:

    Is this the article that you write after you come up with hilarious comebacks a day too late? I need one of these for my life. It seems to be a hallmark of our generation that we never learned proper respect for authority and/or decorum. To share my own corporate small talk story:
    Me to “Da Keeta,” Sourcing Manager, during lunch: That pizza looks great; all I have is this stupid salad!
    Keeter, holding a piece out to me: Here have a piece. I’m not going to eat it all.
    Me: Ew, I can’t take that one! I don’t know where those fingers have been!
    Keeter: Where do you want ’em? [disgusted, uncomfortable laughing and stunned silence ensues]

    • hawaiianpun says:

      Umm, I’ve got bad news for you Magpie: I know where those fingers have been, and it’s nowhere dry. Thanks for sharing though — and don’t forget to contribute next week during my “Send in disturbing nude photos of yourself” contest!

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