Food Screwed

New rule: if it ain’t on the menu, it better not appear on my plate when you deliver my food. I appreciate scrumptious surprises as much as the next guy, but not when they’re in the form a briny, gelatinous wedge that I had no reason to believe would be placed under my nose in the first place. There’s no such thing as an implied pickle, okay? If it’s understood that all sandwiches, wraps, burgers, etc. also come with pickle, why the hell do you have that line on the menu explaining what each of the dishes also comes with? What: chips, french fries, and coleslaw are worth advertising, but pickles transcend the need to announce their existence?

Of course, it’s bad enough when the unanticipated victual merely resides next to your advertised fare. But once they start integrating the offending foodstuffs into the dish itself, a line has been crossed. A line, people! First of all, in this highly litigious age of ubiquitous seafood, peanut, and nose hair allergies, why would you even risk serving something that wasn’t prepared exactly as described on the menu? More importantly though, if someone orders the Parmesan Garlic™ Chicken after seeing it deliciously described as a “crispy flatbread topped with chicken and mozzarella cheese over our signature Parmesan Garlic™ sauce,” then there sure as sugar shouldn’t be a dismaying array of chunky, cheese-locked chives colonizing the entire meal when you deliver it.

More like Parmesan Garlic™ TRICKIN'! Eh? Am I right? Yeah, I'm right.

Also, what the hot fudge sundae is up with trademarking “Honey BBQ,” “Parmesan Garlic,” and “Spicy Garlic”? Do you really think you’re the first restaurant to invent these inimitable combinations of complimentary flavors? Get off your high horse! (Especially if you’re about to chop it up and put it on my flatbread.)

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2 Responses to Food Screwed

  1. C.B. Jones says:

    Pickles have the same status as finger nails, human hair and boogers when it comes to being listed on a menu.

    doesn’t make much sense to me, because I didn’t think they were nearly as appetizing as those other things.

  2. hawaiianpun says:

    You said it C.B.! I mean, I don’t know what the hell you said, but you definitely said it.

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