An Interview with the Founder of Klutz, Inc.

Interviewer: Thank you for taking the time to talk with me today, Mr. Schlockenstein. I–

Klutz Founder, Albert Schlockenstein: Please, call me Albert. Mr. Scholockenstein was my father, may he rest in– aww, crap, would you look at that?! My pen leaked all over my pants again!

I: Oh, that’s– well, I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s hardly noticeable. [coughs]

KF, A.S.: I’ve really gotta get those trousers they sell in the Sky Mall… Oh well, as I was saying, it’s a pleasure to– Oh! [crumples to ground after attempting to sit on a stool three feet away]

I: Oh my God, are you okay?

KF, A.S.: [ignoring proffered hand while climbing to feet] Thank you, m’boy, but I’m fine, I’m fine. Happens all the time! Now where were we? Oh, yes, your interview. Fire away son!

I: Umm, okay, if you’re sure you’re all right… I just have a few questions from my readers. First, the thing that everyone would like to know, of course, is where you came up with the idea for–

KF, A.S.: Jesus that’s hot! Oooh, oooh, ahhh! [waves hand furiously over crotch] I knew I should have gone with the iced latte! Belinda, do you still have that Tide stick from yesterday?

I: If this is a bad time, I can come back later…

KF, A.S.: Nonsense, nonsense, don’t be ridiculous. I believe you were asking me where I got the idea for my company? Well, it’s a good story, that. You see–

I: Umm, Mr. Sch– err, Albert?

KF, A.S.: One moment, one moment. I think your readers will really enjoy this one. It all star–

I: No, but sir, I really think–

KF, A.S.: Wait, do you smell that? [sniffs twice] It smells like…bacon. Canadian bacon, actually. Where do you think–

I: Albert, I’m trying to tell

KF, A.S.: Geeze, is it hot in here, or is it just me? What do you…..Oh Magical Moses, my toupee’s caught fire again! AHHH, OHHHHH, AWHHHHHHH!!!

I: [stares incredulously as Belinda aims fire extinguisher at boss and a thick cloud of sodium bicarbonate fills the air]

KF, A.S.: Ahhhhhhhhhhh…sweet, sweet relief. Thank you, Belinda dear. What would I do without you! So as I was saying–

I: Umm, Albert? I’m sorry to interrupt again, but if you don’t feel up to continuing this interview, I would certainly understand. Why don’t we reschedule for–

KF, A.S.: Oh, pish posh, lad. Don’t worry about ol’ Albert. These scalp burns are second degree at worst. It’s practically leather up there now, anyhow. [unconsciously adjusts slightly smoldering toupee with fingertips] If I’d given in to every little setback I’d encountered over the years, I would have never succeeded in turning the Klutz brand into the household name it enjoys today.

I: [uncertainly] Very well sir, if you’re sure you don’t need me to take you to the hospital or anything…

KF, A.S.: [dabs at blood streaming down temple with handkerchief] Don’t be such a limp wrist, son! Why, I remember when I first– Son of Donkey Kong! Who left all these Christmas ornaments on the floor and what happened to my flippin’ shoes?? Belinda! Belinda, what in the

I: I think maybe we should just pick this up tomorrow… [backs quietly out of the room]

KF, A.S.: Wait, young man, where are you going? We’re just getting started! I still haven’t told you about the time– holy fucking shit! Why is the goddamn waffle iron on?! Christ, has anyone seen the Bacitracin?!?

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