MY CHILD IS the juvenile delinquent who knocked up AN HONOR STUDENT AT SWEET VALLEY HIGH.
GOT MILK? Eggs? Bisquick? Good — I’m in the mood for pancakes.
HOW’S MY DRIVING? Seriously, you can tell me — my therapist says I’m capable of receiving criticism again.
SUPPORT OUR TROOPS. Buy them sports bras.
THINK this cut is infected if it’s turning GREEN?
WE’RE ALL IN THIS pool TOGETHER, so please don’t pee in it.
HAVE A NICE DAYcation, since you can’t actually afford to go on a real vacation right now.
THIS CAR CLIMBED MT. WASHINGTON because its driver was too much of a lazy fat-ass to do it himself.
VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS. Ignore centrifuged edamame.
MY OTHER CAR IS not actually a car at all, but rather A TRUCK, which just goes to show that rednecks have a highly developed sense of irony, too.
MEAT IS MURDER, but murder is the case that they gave me — and that case is full of meat.
IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU’RE TOO CLOSE to discovering my deep, dark secret, so now you must die.
HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS but you’re not in love with him.
SHARE THE ROAD rash.
THINK GLOBALLY. Get a boob job.