Updated State Mottos – Part 1

Let’s face it: this country’s getting old, as are the states that make it up. Now, that’s all fine and well if you’re a member of the old guard, wondering what the hell all that hype is about the intertubes these days, but us young’uns are itchin’ for someone to step in and modernize the place (the “place,” of course, being America).

Well, I’m not that someone. In fact, this introduction doesn’t even make sense, so it really doesn’t matter that I’m not that someone. Nonetheless, I am a someone, so with that undeniable level of expertise in mind, let’s at least get the ball rolling by updating the excruciatingly tepid state mottos that adorn the intrepid members of our “Fifty Nifty.” Forthwith, my handsome take on the first 25:

  • Alabama – We dare defend our rights…though we’re not sure how much help that Tai Chi class we take in the park once a week will be.
  • Alaska – North to the future…Whoa, geez, this iceberg’s a lot smaller than I remember.
  • Arizona – God enriches…which would explain why there are no atheists on Wall Street.
  • Arkansas – The people rule…Wait, what do you mean this is only a “representative” democracy?
  • California – I have found it…No, wait, sorry, false alarm. Everyone keep looking.
  • Colorado – Nothing without Providence…though we’re not sure what the hell Rhode Island has to do with anything.
  • Connecticut – He who transplanted sustains…swhich probably explains why there are so many damn hedge fund managers from Manhattan around here.
  • Delaware – Liberty and Independence…and corporate tax havens — just like the founding fathers intended.
  • Florida – In Viagra We Trust
  • Georgia – Wisdom, justice, and moderation…have nothing to do with Georgia.
  • Hawaii – The life of the land is perpetuated by righteousness…and pasty tourists in heinous tropical shirts.
  • Idaho – Let it be perpetual…unless “it” is referring to Justin Bieber’s singing career.
  • Illinois – State sovereignty, national union…and other painfully boring shit.
  • Indiana – The Crossroads of America…still don’t have an electric traffic light.
  • Iowa – Our liberties we prize and our rights we will maintain…brought to you by ConAgra!
  • Kansas – To the stars through difficulties…Wait, what do you mean Obama cancelled the next moon program?
  • Kentucky – United we stand, chicken we fry.
  • Louisiana – Union, justice, confidence…show me your tits!
  • Maine – I lead to Canada.
  • Maryland – Manly deeds, womanly words, transgender sensibilities.
  • Massachusetts – By the sword we seek peace, but peace only under liberty…or Communism. Whatever.
  • Michigan – If you seek a pleasant peninsula, we hear Florida’s nice this time of year.
  • Minnesota – The star of the North…not to be confused with the North Star, which is, like, totally different.
  • Mississippi – By valor and arms and an occasional undercurrent of racism.
  • Missouri – Let the welfare of the people be the supreme law…not that we’re advocating socialized medicine or anything.
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