One for the Money, Two for the “Oh!”

[Editor’s note: The following exercise in juvenile inanity is not recommended for readers over the mental age of, say, 30 — especially if they are related to me and/or my fiancée in any way, or have ever used the words “sophisticated,” “classy,” or “high-brow” to describe either themselves or their personal preferences. I suppose I simply could have not written the piece in the first place and avoided this problem entirely, but I didn’t (which is to say, I didn’t not write the piece, which is to say, I did write it), so don’t say I didn’t warn you. Also, no eye contact, please.]

***

We all know that the pinnacle of female sexual pleasure is a little maneuver charmingly — and rhymingly — referred to as “two in the pink, one in the stink.” If you don’t know what that means, I’m not going to enlighten you, but I’m sure you can figure it out if you channel your inner Encyclopedia “Brown” for a few seconds. (That was a clue, fyi. A gross, uncomfortable clue.)

Anyway, as useful as this phrase has proven over the years (and boy has it proven useful), I thought my various voracious votaries might welcome a few versatile variations in order to spice up their vapid venereal vocabulary. So if you’re a fan of blush-worthy wordplay, read on to find out how you, too, can offend your lover in the heat of passion.

Alternative Expressions to “Two in the Pink, One in the Stink”

  • The straightforward: “Two in the cut, one in the butt.”*
  • The too straightforward: “Two in the goop, one in the poop.”*
  • The yucky: “Two in the rain, one in the stain.”
  • The innocent: “Two in the bush, one in the tush.”*
  • The complimentary: “Two in the beauty, one in the booty.”
  • The demeaning: “Two in the clam, one in the spam.”
  • The insulting: “Two in the fish, one in the ish.”
  • The disgusting: “Two in the slit, one in the grit.”
  • The more disgusting: “Two in blood, one in the mud.”*
  • The abstract: “Two in the funk, one in the gunk.”
  • The alternatively abstract: “Two in the junk, one in the trunk.”*
  • The poorly manicured: “Two in the stubble, one in the trouble.”
  • The celestial: “Two in the poon, one in the moon.”*
  • The mechanical: “Two in the dent, one in the vent.”
  • The out-of-favor: “Two in the muff, one in the duff.”*
  • The existential: “Two in the Sartre, one in the fart.”
  • The ego-deflating: “Two in the crack whore, one in the back door.”*
  • The ghostly: “Two in the cave, one in the grave.”
  • The branded: “Two in the Jello, one in the Hello!“*
  • The nonsensical: “Two in the giblets, one in the niblets.”
  • The Guy Ritchie: “Two in the Snatch, one in the hatch.”

__________________
* In the spirit of full disclosure, I feel obligated to point out that asterisks indicate the depressing number of rhymes that, according to Google, have already been invented — this despite me coming up with them independently just a few minutes ago. Damn you, Google. Why can’t you just leave me in my ignorance!

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One Response to One for the Money, Two for the “Oh!”

  1. blogbytom says:

    Every teenage boy should be required to memorize this list.

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