So the series finale of 24 came and went last night, and even though I’m still four episodes behind thanks to the time-shifting black magic perpetrated by my infernal DVR machine, I figured I’d take the time to compose a brief, numerical eulogy to a show that I’ve followed since its inception.
Now, without further a digital countdown,
24 Reasons Why I’ll Miss 24
- This is probably the last week that Yankee Pot Roast is going to rerun my hilarious Amelia Bedelia Joins CTU piece from two years ago.
- No more ultra-serious Fox voiceover guy announcing, An all new hour of Bauer, next.
- Jack Bauer is to badassess what Bret “Hitman” Hart is to wrestling: The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Now the baddest guy on television is Chuck.
- 24 was the uncontested master of the double-cross. And the only thing it did better than the double-cross was the triple-cross. And the only thing it did better than the triple-cross was the quadruple-cross. And the only thing it did better than the quadruple-cross was the quintuple-cross. And the only thing it did better than the quintuple-cross was the sextuple-cross. And the only thing it did better than…
- Elisha Cuthbert (Kim Bauer). She was annoying, but hot (though sometimes she was just annoying).
- Now the only scripted show on television that’s filmed in “real time” is American Idol. Go Sanjaya!
- CTU sounds like some sort of bladder disease.
- The split screen technique hasn’t been used this effectively since Saved by the Bell went off the air. [Editor’s note: Call that one my “Sports Guy” Bill Simmons impression.]
- Jack Bauer proved that vigilante justice is never the answer. Except when it is.
- DUN-dun. DUN-dun. DUN-dun. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- How many shows do you know where none of the characters ever have to go to the bathroom? Talk about CTU!
- Republicans can’t refer to it anymore to justify the use of torture.
- Chloe O’Brian was basically House if House was a computer hacker instead of a doctor.
- The sets were so utilitarian, they looked like they were designed by Jeremy Bentham! [Editor’s note: Call that one my Dennis Miller impression.]
- Kiefer Sutherland might be the only Emmy- and Golden Globe-winning actor to ever portray a character who was physically incapable of emoting in any way that didn’t require whispering or yelling.
- 24 made your cell phone feel bad about itself.
- Now we’ll never know what happened to the Smoke Monster.
- Jack Bauer will no longer grace the cover of every issue of Rogue.
- I always wondered what would happen if we blew up Los Angeles. Apparently, not much.
- Various sources have reported that, after the series ends, they’re going to start production on a movie. What they hell are they going to call it: 1.5?
- Jack Bauer allowed me to defend buying a man purse. Now how the hell am I going to justify this nipple ring?
- Son of a bitch.
- 24 Drinking Games.
- No more excuses to write lame, unfunny lists composed of two dozen arbitrary references. Ahem.
 Hehe. “Tuple.”