24 Reasons Why I’ll Miss 24

So the series finale of 24 came and went last night, and even though I’m still four episodes behind thanks to the time-shifting black magic perpetrated by my infernal DVR machine, I figured I’d take the time to compose a brief, numerical eulogy to a show that I’ve followed since its inception.

Now, without further a digital countdown,

24 Reasons Why I’ll Miss 24

  1. This is probably the last week that Yankee Pot Roast is going to rerun my hilarious Amelia Bedelia Joins CTU piece from two years ago.

  2. No more ultra-serious Fox voiceover guy announcing, An all new hour of Bauer, next.
  3. Jack Bauer is to badassess what Bret “Hitman” Hart is to wrestling: The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be. Now the baddest guy on television is Chuck.
  4. 24 was the uncontested master of the double-cross. And the only thing it did better than the double-cross was the triple-cross. And the only thing it did better than the triple-cross was the quadruple-cross. And the only thing it did better than the quadruple-cross was the quintuple-cross. And the only thing it did better than the quintuple-cross was the sextuple[1]-cross. And the only thing it did better than…
  5. Elisha Cuthbert (Kim Bauer). She was annoying, but hot (though sometimes she was just annoying).
  6. Now the only scripted show on television that’s filmed in “real time” is American Idol. Go Sanjaya!
  7. CTU sounds like some sort of bladder disease.
  8. The split screen technique hasn’t been used this effectively since Saved by the Bell went off the air. [Editor’s note: Call that one my “Sports Guy” Bill Simmons impression.]
  9. Jack Bauer proved that vigilante justice is never the answer. Except when it is.
  10. DUN-dun. DUN-dun. DUN-dun. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
  11. How many shows do you know where none of the characters ever have to go to the bathroom? Talk about CTU!
  12. Republicans can’t refer to it anymore to justify the use of torture.
  13. Chloe O’Brian was basically House if House was a computer hacker instead of a doctor.
  14. The sets were so utilitarian, they looked like they were designed by Jeremy Bentham! [Editor’s note: Call that one my Dennis Miller impression.]
  15. Kiefer Sutherland might be the only Emmy- and Golden Globe-winning actor to ever portray a character who was physically incapable of emoting in any way that didn’t require whispering or yelling.
  16. 24 made your cell phone feel bad about itself.
  17. Now we’ll never know what happened to the Smoke Monster.
  18. Jack Bauer will no longer grace the cover of every issue of Rogue.
  19. I always wondered what would happen if we blew up Los Angeles. Apparently, not much.
  20. Various sources have reported that, after the series ends, they’re going to start production on a movie. What they hell are they going to call it: 1.5?
  21. Jack Bauer allowed me to defend buying a man purse. Now how the hell am I going to justify this nipple ring?
  22. Son of a bitch.
  23. 24 Drinking Games.
  24. No more excuses to write lame, unfunny lists composed of two dozen arbitrary references. Ahem.

[1] Hehe. “Tuple.”

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3 Responses to 24 Reasons Why I’ll Miss 24

  1. dsizzle says:

    How could you defile Elisha that way? … When really I want to defile her in a different way — wait, what?

  2. Shawn says:

    I lost interest in 24 after about four seasons, but I still remember that pilot episode. One of the greatest beginnings to a series EVahhh.

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