It’s not often that I am rendered speechless. Including now. But still, when you a read a headline like the following — Man Dies After Eel Is Inserted In His Rectum — you tend to need a few seconds to gather yourself.
Disappointingly, the HuffPo article above isn’t very long (unlike the eel, which measured more than 1.5 feet!), but I imagine it’s difficult to write more than a few words about this sort of subject matter before your ass starts to itch. Especially when you attempt more extensive research on the story and read lines like this one from The Daily Caller:
The medical examiner determined that the cause of death was that the eel…devoured the man’s bowels.
Holy crap. Literally: hole-y crap. If there’s a worse way to die than this, I would like very much not to hear about it. (Ha, just kidding. Call me!)
“But Trevor,” you might be asking yourself, assuming you haven’t already developed an instant case of irritable bowel syndrome. “How in the world was that eel able to instigate such heinous anus in the first place?”
Well, isn’t it obvious?
While doctors were initially baffled as to how the eel could have gotten there, the man’s friends allegedly confessed that they had inserted the live creature as a joke after a bout of heavy drinking.
Seriously, WTF? Was this guy friends with Lemmiwinks? Or is rice wine simply a lot more potent than I thought? Either way, remind me never to join a Chinese fraternity.
[Editor’s note: I was originally going to end this post with the zinger, With friends like these, who needs enemas? But after reading the comments at the end of the original article, I found to my deep (ahem) dismay that multiple wags had already beaten me to the punch…line. Cheeky (ahem) bastards.]