I defy you not to click on a link with this headline: Seagal sued for allegedly keeping sex slaves.
Compelling, no? Personally, I was clicking even before I got to the whole “sex slaves” kicker, so if you didn’t, you’re a better man-whore than I. Then again, you probably didn’t grow up pseudo-ironically hero-worshipping Steven Seagal while creating home movies with your cousin imitating his highly diverse cinematic oeuvre and consisting mostly of poorly executed spin kicks and headfirst falls down the stairs that required you to pretend to be dead while, counterintuitively, trying not to kill yourself.
Hey, some kids had hobbies — we had head injuries.
I’ll leave you to parse the details for yourself (this is a humor weg, after all, not the Huffington Post), but suffice it to say, the phrase “who were essentially on-call for sex — 24-seven” makes an appearance. (So does the phrase “as the plane was taking off,” but that one’s kind of innocuous. I wasn’t even gonna include it until you started bugging me, actually. I mean, geez, get a life, right?)