Semen Seagal

I defy you not to click on a link with this headline: Seagal sued for allegedly keeping sex slaves.

Compelling, no? Personally, I was clicking even before I got to the whole “sex slaves” kicker, so if you didn’t, you’re a better man-whore than I. Then again, you probably didn’t grow up pseudo-ironically hero-worshipping Steven Seagal while creating home movies with your cousin imitating his highly diverse cinematic oeuvre and consisting mostly of poorly executed spin kicks and headfirst falls down the stairs that required you to pretend to be dead while, counterintuitively, trying not to kill yourself.

Hey, some kids had hobbies — we had head injuries.

I’ll leave you to parse the details for yourself (this is a humor weg, after all, not the Huffington Post), but suffice it to say, the phrase “who were essentially on-call for sex — 24-seven” makes an appearance. (So does the phrase “as the plane was taking off,” but that one’s kind of innocuous. I wasn’t even gonna include it until you started bugging me, actually. I mean, geez, get a life, right?)

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6 Responses to Semen Seagal

  1. Steven says:

    Best Steven Seagal quote from a movie by far would have to be,”anybody see Richie?”. Just the way he said it was hilarious.

    • hawaiianpun says:

      I disagree, it’s a very good quote, but I think “I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol” is the best quote ever.

      That quote sucks.

      You know something? YOU SUCK!

  2. Justin says:

    I believe “Death at Okemo” was probably our best work, stylistically at least. Clearly it is hard to compare it to our early films such as “Beverly Burning” which while not the cinematic tour de force that our final epics represent, is still culturally relevant if only for its burgeoning brilliance.

    • hawaiianpun says:

      It’s for this very reason that I’ve gone into porn, because it’s so much easier to compare works across different time periods. Woah, look at all that pubic hair!

  3. dsizzle says:

    Head injuries — just one of several stepping stones to starting your own weg!

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