I realize that the following story is more than a week old at this point; however, I don’t think it received nearly enough exposure (ahem) when it was first published, so what better way to give it the worldwide audience it deserves than by posting it on a personal humor weg that receives upwards of me visits per day. (Sometimes I even visit twice!)
The shocking headline (which I’ve just made up but which is no less accurate for that fact): Bikini rash car crash. The accident occurred in Florida, naturally — specifically, Cudjoe Key — but my rhyming teaser barely begins to tell the tale.
To cut to the meat of the story (as it were), 37-year-old Megan Mariah Barnes was responsible for sending two people to the hospital with minor injuries after crashing into the back of their car while shaving her bikini area. According to the responding trooper, Gary Dunick, “She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit.”
Regrettably, the boyfriend in question was unavailable for comment. However, I imagine that he would have responded to this news with a trenchant witticism along the lines of, “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so when’s she gettin’ here?”
Of course, it won’t surprise you to learn that the car Ms. Barnes was driving during her accident was a 1995 Ford Thunderbird, because in what other vehicle would you even attempt to depilate your genital region with a small wedge of sharpened steel? Equally unsurprising is the fact that, 24 hours prior, an Upper Keys court had revoked Barnes’s license for five years after her second DUI conviction. But that all spray tans in comparison to the identity of the person sitting in the passenger seat during this whole ordeal, the person who was actually holding the steering wheel at the time of the crash while Barnes got some last minute flume grooming in on her way to meet with her new beau. And who might this person be? Why, none other than Barnes’s ex-husband, of course!
Ahhh, young love. So complex. So messy. So stubbly.