Having crapped its collective pants in response to Republican Scott Brown’s recent senatorial victory in Massachusetts, the Democratic party is apparently on the verge of collapse now that its advantage in the Senate has been reduced to a mere 18 seats. For the record, an 18 seat majority is far more than George W. Bush or his father ever had during their presidencies. In fact, you have to go back 80 years to the 71st congress (1929-1931) to find a time when Republicans had approximately as great an advantage as the Democrats still have even after you include Brown’s upset.
And yet, all across the nation, ultra absorbent Depends (Dempends?) are flying off shelves faster than a box of Girl Scout cookies at Rush Limbaugh’s house as Democrats everywhere begin to sound the alarm — both orally and anally. There’s no doubt that it’s a real shitstorm in Donkeyland this week, so if you’re not one of the individuals flinging it, may I recommend a large umbrella?
To the casual observer, this circle jerk circus must be bewildering in the extreme. Fortunately, yours truly is here to clarify some things. Using a highly complex mathematical formula that would go over far too many of your heads to make it worth repeating here, I have scientifically deduced the underlying explanation for the embarrassing state of our current political system.
So now without further a deuce (in the Democrats’ trousers):
Pretty simple, really. And best of all, now you can demonstrate your nuanced understanding of American politics to the world with an eye-catching “Politics Explained” Zazzle tee — in your choice of styles and colors!
“Well golly gosh gee, Trevor,” you might be saying to yourself. “Colorful bar graphs are all fine and good, but what’s with all that reading? I mean, I’m a busy man/lady/Muppet — I don’t have time to decipher all these X- and Y-axes and interpret a confusing jumble of letters as actual words!”
Well, worry no more, my imaginary idiot! For you and your inbred ilk, I have developed an alternative version of the above chart with far fewer words and far more pretty pictures that I think will really serve to highlight your in-depth comprehension of national politics — minus the unappealingly elitist academic connotations.
Are you feeling good about our country’s future yet? Because I know I am!