As I alluded to last week (and by “alluded to” I mean “specifically stated in no uncertain terms”), it’s that time again! Time for me to reach deep into the dessicated recesses of my toxically mold-laden cerebellum and rev up the ol’ tetanus-inducing Halloween pun factory. Last year’s inaugural batch was so popular that it became my most-viewed post of all time. With a little luck (and a lot of lube), this one should prove even more successful. Maybe I’ll even double my number of readers — from one to two! (Hear that dad? Mom and I are counting on you!)
So now without further a BOO, gravies and lima beans, may I present to you…
Q: Why do zombies make excellent businessmen?
A: Because they never miss a deadline!
Q: What do Jack-o’-Lanterns use to keep their basements dry?
A: Sump pumpkins!
Q: What do you call a former werewolf?
A: A were wolf!
Q: Who educates young monsters?
A: The Teacher from the Black Lagoon!
Q: What’s a young monster’s favorite job search site?
Q: How many monsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MONSTERS!!!
Q: What do you call the reanimated corpse of a famously monotone Jewish writer, actor, and gameshow host?
Q: Why don’t men who live in haunted houses need Viagra?
A: Because they’re already scared stiff!
Q: Why don’t skeletons need Viagra?
A: Because they’ve already got permanent boners!
Q: Why don’t ghosts need Viagra?
A: Umm, really? Why do you think they don’t need it? Because they’re dead, obviously. I mean, how the hell is a ghost going to have sex? You really need to stop and think before you ask these sorts of idiotic questions, okay?
Q: Why did the ghost get implants?
A: Because she wanted bigger BOOOOObs!
Q: What’s every corpse’s favorite Thanksgiving Day trimming?
Q: What do the undead use to make towels?
Q: What is every ghost’s favorite Foreigner song?
A: Spook Box Hero!
Q: What is every skeleton’s favorite George Thorogood song?
A: Bad to the Bone!
Q: What do skeletons in France say before a meal?
A: Bone appétit!
Q: What hip hop group do all young skeletons idolize?
A: Bone Thugs-n-Harmony!
Q: What hip hop group do all young monsters idolize?
A: Beastie Boys!
Q: What hip hop group do all young mummies idolize?
A: Black Eyed Peas! (Go figure.)
Three corpses walked into a bar. They got totally en-bombed.1