My PDA Is Prone to PDA

Standing in line for an Orange Julius, my PDA sees a woman at Bangkok Gardens listening to music on her Samsung Juke: Hey baby, who put that pep in your step: me or your built-in 2 GB MP3 player!? You know, Foreigner and I actually have a lot in common…we can both put stars in your eyes! C’mon, just give me a chance doll; I promise your (juke) box will never be the same. Don’t worry. Just because I’ve got the Bluetooth doesn’t mean I bite…unless you want me too, of course. Have I mentioned that a Juke ain’t the only thing that gets twice as long when you turn it on!

Passing by the Mac store, my PDA notices an employee at the Genius Bar examining a customer’s iPhone: Damn girlfriend, you didn’t need to come to the Genius Bar for help—I’ve got your Mac daddy right here! Forgive me if I’m being forward, but I couldn’t help thinking that you could really use a big, strong stylus to help you navigate all those options. I know you get worn out easily, but trust me honey, I’d never replace you after just 300 to 500 charge/discharge cycles. I mean, I’m a do-it-yourself-er…and I’m not just sayin’ that because I’d love to see you with your case off! Have I mentioned yet that I’m free nights and weekends, as well as many nationally recognized holidays?

Being led to a table (for one) at Outback, my PDA spots a customer walk in carrying a blinking electronic buzzer: Why hello there! My my my, suddenly your table ain’t the only thing that’s ready. Listen, if vibrations are what you want, I’ve got all you can handle! I’ve also got polyphonic, MP3, and MIDI ringtones, plus an on-screen and LED indicator if you’re into those sorts of things. And I’m puttin’ you on notice that I noticed you noticin’ my full QWERTY keyboard. Well, I’ve got two words for you: Textual Intercourse. Pardon my Java, but mmm mmm mmmm, that’s some sweet one-letter-per-key action. Hey, you know what they say: The darker the ‘Berry, the easier to operate the OS.

Walking down the sidewalk during my post-dinner constitutional, my PDA spots a runner with a pink Polar F11 heart rate monitor jogging in place at the crosswalk: Woah, slow down there sweetheart! What’s your hurry? You just gonna charge me up and be on your way? Sorry boo, I don’t swing like that. Hell, with my solid-body construction, I don’t swing at all. So go ahead and toss that wimpy little wrist computer aside. My 312 MHz Intel PXA901 processor is revvin’ fast enough for the both of us. Why you lookin’ at me like that? We ain’t so different, you know. You with your spandex, me with my proprietary multi-tasking RIM operating system—we’ve both got top to bottom support, don’t we! Sure, I’ve got an ultra thin profile, but that only proves I’m not compensating for anything. Believe me, 64 MB of flash memory isn’t my only expandable feature!

Withdrawing money at the ATM, my PDA notices the leather-clad biker behind me using the walkie-talkie function on his Nextel Motorola® BuzzTM ic502: Why herro big boy. Why you no walkie ova hea and talkie to me! Ooh, me so phone-y! I know you can awready pushy-to-talk, but you can still pushy me around all night rong. Sorry, is the accent too much? I can’t help it stud; you’re too much. Don’t tell me: you’re GPS enabled, aren’t you. God, that gets me so oriented. Built to military specifications, right? I know, I know, don’t ask don’t tell…but I won’t tell anyone, cowboy, even though I can access almost any available GSM/GPRS/EDGE/UMTS/CDMA/1xEV-DO network. I wish I knew how to quit you…too bad I’m right at the beginning of another “New Every Two” plan.

Waking up in a hospital bed after a three day coma, my PDA catches a glimpse of the attending nurse’s pager as she bends over to adjust my feeding tube: Hey there beautiful, you lookin’ for someone to keep you young? This may surprise you, but unlike a few phones I could name, I actually prefer older electronics. I know I don’t look experienced, but let’s just say I’m no stranger to those with alphanumeric sensibilities. I understand your generation can sometimes be intimidated by an overabundance of features, but hey, just because I have hands-free capability doesn’t mean I’m hands off. (Where do you think I got the nickname “Palm Pilot”?!) Listen Mrs. Robinson, I know you’re used to two-ways, but how would you feel about a Treo? Okay, okay, we can take it slow if you want, but I gotta say that bein’ near you is givin’ me a serious case of blue trackball. Whoa, where you goin’ bubbe? You gettin’ a buzz? Don’t forget to press pound first…if you know what I mean!


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