I hope you’re all wearing your spongiest terry cloth t-shirts right now, because I’ve got a heartbreaking headline here that’s sure to bring the salty rain in buckets. Please hold on to your monocles, because apparently in this economy, Even millionaires don’t feel rich.
That’s right, according to Walter Zultowski, senior vice president of research and concept development at Phoenix Wealth management:
“The continuing economic turmoil has stripped America’s millionaires of their confidence and sense of security…They are feeling far worse off than they did during the last economic downturn in 2003.”
My oh my, is there a ShamWow in the house? Because my ocular region is in sudden need of some ultra efficient German absorbency.
Seriously, allow me to shed the first few drops in this nascent trickle of teardrops that, with your help, could soon broaden into a babbling, blubbering brook, swell into a sweeping stream of sobs, and perhaps even merge with a rushing river of regret, until our weeping, wailing wall of waterworks becomes a veritable tide of tears, deep enough and powerful to raise all boats — excuse me, yachts — up and out of their landlocked doldrums and back into their accustomed anchorage in the high seven figures and beyond.
Really, it’s a shame that American Idol didn’t sponsor “Idol Gives Back” this year, because articles like the one cited above prove what I’ve been saying all along: that starving, malaria-ridden African children aren’t the only ones deserving of our help these days.
Here’s an idea. Since charity starts at home, why not direct your next philanthropic palliative toward a truly worthy cause: a millionaire’s home! It doesn’t matter if it’s their primary residence in Beverly Hills or their summer place in the Hamptons or their vacation villa in Tuscany — for tax purposes, any home will do. What matters is that, with your help, we can make a difference!