A Sporting Chance of Confusion

I occasionally wonder what someone with no knowledge of sports would think if he or she happened to tune into a random recap on the radio.

ducks-vs-penguins“Today in hockey, the Ducks thrashed the Penguins while the Maple Leafs managed to hold off the Flames. In a surprise upset, the Avalanche also outlasted the Hurricanes at home.”

Ducks thrashing penguins? Foliage that’s impervious to fire? Catastrophic natural disasters pitted against one another in a fight to the death? My God, what kind of perversion of nature is this?!?

mariners-vs-pirates1“Moving on to baseball, the Red Sox polished off the White Sox, the Mariners trounced the Pirates, and the Angels outlasted the Astros in a match for the history books.”

Laundry versus laundry? Trouble on the high seas?? A battle for the very heavens themselves??? The apocalypse is surely upon us!!!

“Finally, on the hard court, the Wizards outdueled the Magic, the Raptors fell to the Rockets, and the Mavericks snatched a last-minute victory from the Trail Blazers in a contest that could have repercussions throughout the league.”raptors-vs-rockets

I’m not sure I can believe my own ears anymore! Masters of the black arts competing against their own powers in what I can only describe as a real-world bastardization of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice? A striking — if highly unlikely — alternative theory about how the dinosaurs went extinct? And, most horrifyingly, an out-of-nowhere victory for McCain/Palin over Obama/Biden??? I didn’t even know that they had appealed the election results!!!

Yet another compelling reason to postpone critical life events simply because “the game” is on (like you really needed an excuse).

***

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4 Responses to A Sporting Chance of Confusion

  1. chowner says:

    As a devout sports fan, it’s funny to think about from that point of view.

    My wife always likes to guess who teams are when I’m watching from the abbreviation they use on the scoreboard, and she’s getting pretty good at it. But I get the feeling she’d totally lose it if she heard something like this.

    Stumbled.

    • hawaiianpun says:

      I like to quiz my girlfriend on different baseball and football players used in advertisements on television, in supermarkets, etc. Though her success rate has yet to impress me, I continue living with her. She really doesn’t thank me enough for this, come to think of it.

      P.S. Try tying your shoelaces.

  2. Jenn Thorson says:

    In watching hockey, I always got a chuckle when announcer Mike Lange would talks about Mario Lemieux coming down the ice with good speed.

    I think Goodspeed was one of the most underrated players on the Pens’ team. He was in on, like, every major play. 🙂

    • hawaiianpun says:

      Oh, silly woman. “Goodspeed” isn’t a player — it’s an adjective describing Mario’s velocity! His “speed” was “good”! Do you understand now? No, don’t apologize, it’s okay. That’s why God gave women small hands — to help with their knitting.

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