I occasionally wonder what someone with no knowledge of sports would think if he or she happened to tune into a random recap on the radio.
“Today in hockey, the Ducks thrashed the Penguins while the Maple Leafs managed to hold off the Flames. In a surprise upset, the Avalanche also outlasted the Hurricanes at home.”
Ducks thrashing penguins? Foliage that’s impervious to fire? Catastrophic natural disasters pitted against one another in a fight to the death? My God, what kind of perversion of nature is this?!?
“Moving on to baseball, the Red Sox polished off the White Sox, the Mariners trounced the Pirates, and the Angels outlasted the Astros in a match for the history books.”
Laundry versus laundry? Trouble on the high seas?? A battle for the very heavens themselves??? The apocalypse is surely upon us!!!
“Finally, on the hard court, the Wizards outdueled the Magic, the Raptors fell to the Rockets, and the Mavericks snatched a last-minute victory from the Trail Blazers in a contest that could have repercussions throughout the league.”
I’m not sure I can believe my own ears anymore! Masters of the black arts competing against their own powers in what I can only describe as a real-world bastardization of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice? A striking — if highly unlikely — alternative theory about how the dinosaurs went extinct? And, most horrifyingly, an out-of-nowhere victory for McCain/Palin over Obama/Biden??? I didn’t even know that they had appealed the election results!!!
Yet another compelling reason to postpone critical life events simply because “the game” is on (like you really needed an excuse).