Forget President’s Day, forget Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday, forget algebra (seriously — you’ll never use it): April 25th is the day to mark on your calendar as an excuse to party hearty from now through perpetuity, for 4/25 is Vince Shlomi’s birthday.
“Vince who-mi?” you adorably blink.
“Vince Shlomi,” I muscularly reply, “celebrated pitchman for the greatest direct-sales product in the world: ShamWow!” [Editor’s note: Wikipedia helpfully informs that Vince also goes by the name “Offer.” If that’s not dedication to your chosen profession, then I don’t know what is!]
Unfortunately, Offer has fallen on tough times of late. For those of you who’ve been living under Rush Limbaugh these last few months, here’s a brief recap from that aforementioned forum for populist lies and misinformation:
On February 7, 2009, Offer was arrested in Miami Beach, Florida on a charge of felony battery after an altercation with a 26-year-old prostitute. Offer, who appears in police reports under his real name Vince Shlomi, contended that he struck the prostitute when she “bit his tongue and would not let go”. Prosecutors later declined to file formal charges against either individual.
Needless to say, the results weren’t pretty:
As you might expect, late night comedians and bombastic bloggers alike have jumped on this story with all the enthusiasm of a fat kid on his last Twinkie. And I’ll admit, it’s incredibly easy to vilify Mr. Shlomi here given the circumstances of the altercation (a presumed millionaire paying for sex) and the outcome (a physically fit man beating an attractive woman into a bloody mess).
However, I think folks are being a little too hard on ol’ Offer. For the sake of argument, let’s take his dilemma seriously for a minute, shall we? Ignore the fact that the other party involved is a professional sex worker. That’s merely a distractor for the real question, which is this: What would you do if anyone — long time partner or one night stand — bit your tongue and wouldn’t let go?
Seriously, what would you do? I imagine that your initial reaction would be reflexive and unthinking: a sharp backwards jerk of the heard combined, perhaps, with a strong shove directed toward the biter. But what if that didn’t work? What is your next course of action? Remember, the tongue is one of the most sensitive parts of the body, filled with nerves and blood vessels to facilitate taste and speech. Anyone who’s ever bitten their tongue (a.k.a., “everyone”) can tell you how painful the experience is. Now extend that piercing sensory input over numerous seconds — seconds that probably seem much much longer considering the wide array of incisors and bicuspids digging into your meaty mouth muscle. With that in mind, can you honestly say that you would have proceeded any differently than Vince? Sure, there might be a couple of self-controlled individuals out there capable of limiting themselves to a few more disbelieving moments of restrained pushing and muffled yelling, but assuming such tactics continued to fall short in their efforts to dislodge the attacker, what options remain?
Frankly, I think the answer is obvious. Guy, girl, tranny, cat — it doesn’t matter who’s got your tongue; all that matters is getting him (her/shim/meow) off by any means necessary. (Of course, in Shlomi’s case, I reckon this isn’t the “getting off” he had in mind when the encounter began, but that’s a different post entirely.)