The Star Spanglish Banner

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I have decided to take full advantage of one of my useless bachelor’s degrees and teach you, my viewing (and, in all likelihood, mono-linguistic) public, a number of simple Spanish phrases to help you in your future existence as an ethnic minority.[1]

Introducing my patent-pending[2] foreign language tutorial:

Learn Spanish the Write in the Kisser Way!

To make the lesson flow like urine in a warm bath, I have divided the expressions I will be teaching you today into two sections: “Pleasantries/Small Talk” and “Common Questions.” Since only an idiot would need more of an introduction than that, let’s jump right in! First up:

Pleasantries/Small Talk

  • Me llama Trevor — “My llama ate Trevor.”
  • Mulchas gracias — “You have mulch and grass on your ass.”
  • De nada — “Nice nads.”
  • ¡Mucho gutso! — “Look at all the guts!”
  • Buena suerte —  “My you sweat a lot.”
  • Soy de los Estados Unidos —  “Eating soy has unified my feces.”
  • Mi casarole es su casarole —  “My casserole is your casserole.”
  • ¡Bienvenudos! — “It’s good to be nude!” (Also: “Welcome to Nudeyville!”)
  • Me gusta jugar el fútbol — “I like to juggle feet.”
  • Hasta la vista — “I’m a cybernetic organism: living tissue over a metal endoskeleton.”

Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? I didn’t think so. So let’s move on to something with a little more rising inflection, shall we?

Common questions

  • ¿Cómo estash? — “How is your mustache?”
  • ¿Dónde está la Pibblioteca? —  “Where is the Mr. Pibb factory?”
  • ¿Cómo se dice…? — “How do you play…craps?”
  • ¿Dónde está el baño por favor? — “Where is the bathroom where sexual favors are performed?”
  • ¿Cuánto cuesta? —  “Shall I beat you with this pool cue?”
  • ¿Se habla espandex? — “Do you speak spandex?”
  • ¿De dónde Eros? —  “Where is Eros, the ancient Greek god of love? I’m horny.”

Well, there you have it — all of the most important phrases in the Spanish language! Just remember, the only way to make sure they remain embedded in your memory is to use them repeatedly, preferably with native speakers. Don’t know any native speakers? Hire some day laborers! This is a great way to practice your Spanish while making new friends and getting those petunias pruned in time for the barbecue this weekend.

Au revoir! (Oops, I mean auf Wiedersehen!)

[1] What do you mean, “What the hell does St. Patrick’s Day have to do with a stupid Spanish lesson!?” St. Patrick was the patron saint of Ireland, right? And the Irish were, at one time, the largest growing immigrant population in America, right? And Mexicans and their Central and South American brethren are currently the largest growing immigrant population in America, right? So what’s the problem! Yeesh, get off my back already mom.
[2] In Uzbekistan


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10 Responses to The Star Spanglish Banner

  1. Thanks for the Spanish lesson. I would stick around and comment some more, but you’ve inspired me to buy a ticket to Spain so I can go practice what you’ve taught me right away. As they say in Spain and Mexico, shalom.

  2. HumorSmith says:

    That first commenter seems like a fine fellow, doesn’t he? His profound and thoughtful observations really get me right there..

    You are intensely funny. I laughed more at your blog than at mine, which I find a bit disturbing. I will be sure and use your Spanish phrases whenever I travel as a broad….um, abroad.

    Let’s just pretend that little html trick up there ^ worked, eh?

  3. HumorSmith says:

    Now see there? My html not only failed, the symbols do not appear. Now I look like an idiot. An idiot who likes to wear women’s clothing. Thanks for that. I could’ve stayed on my own blog for that abuse. El toro de caca.

    • hawaiianpun says:

      “Intensely funny”… are you sure you’re taking your medication in the proper dosage?

      Also, dresses are far more…errr, liberating than pants, so no need to feel like an idiot for wearing them. Heck, you’d be an idiot NOT to!

  4. chowner says:

    Love it. Especially ¿Cómo estash? Merci.

    • hawaiianpun says:

      I’m not gonna lie: Not only is that one my favorite too, it’s also the first one I thought of and essentially the reason this ridiculous “lesson” even exists.

  5. motherclucker says:

    For even more laughs, don’t forget to add “con queso” onto the end of all your fun Spanish phrases. For instance, here is one of my favorite things to say when I am out with my compadres de espanolas: Donde es la bana con queso? If you happen to be sitting with people who can’t speak any Spanish at all, then this can become quite fun. I speak from the voice of experience here…LOL! The best part of it all is when they say, “wow, I didn’t know you could speak Spanish!”, then I just smile and say “delicioso!”

    • hawaiianpun says:

      Unfortunately, since 13 of my Top 10 Favorite Foods contain some form of cheese (usually melted), taking your advice to heart would undoubtedly serve to make me unreasonably hungry, resulting in me eventually taking your advice to heart attack.

  6. davedoyle87 says:

    Let’s not forget: “Donde es mi bocadillo”, or “Donny is my pet armadillo”.

    Okay, that was a bit of an appalling failure, unlike your comedy Spanish lesson. Bravo!

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