In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I have decided to take full advantage of one of my useless bachelor’s degrees and teach you, my viewing (and, in all likelihood, mono-linguistic) public, a number of simple Spanish phrases to help you in your future existence as an ethnic minority.
Introducing my patent-pending foreign language tutorial:
Learn Spanish the Write in the Kisser Way!
To make the lesson flow like urine in a warm bath, I have divided the expressions I will be teaching you today into two sections: “Pleasantries/Small Talk” and “Common Questions.” Since only an idiot would need more of an introduction than that, let’s jump right in! First up:
- Me llama Trevor — “My llama ate Trevor.”
- Mulchas gracias — “You have mulch and grass on your ass.”
- De nada — “Nice nads.”
- ¡Mucho gutso! — “Look at all the guts!”
- Buena suerte — “My you sweat a lot.”
- Soy de los Estados Unidos — “Eating soy has unified my feces.”
- Mi casarole es su casarole — “My casserole is your casserole.”
- ¡Bienvenudos! — “It’s good to be nude!” (Also: “Welcome to Nudeyville!”)
- Me gusta jugar el fútbol — “I like to juggle feet.”
- Hasta la vista — “I’m a cybernetic organism: living tissue over a metal endoskeleton.”
Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? I didn’t think so. So let’s move on to something with a little more rising inflection, shall we?
- ¿Cómo estash? — “How is your mustache?”
- ¿Dónde está la Pibblioteca? — “Where is the Mr. Pibb factory?”
- ¿Cómo se dice…? — “How do you play…craps?”
- ¿Dónde está el baño por favor? — “Where is the bathroom where sexual favors are performed?”
- ¿Cuánto cuesta? — “Shall I beat you with this pool cue?”
- ¿Se habla espandex? — “Do you speak spandex?”
- ¿De dónde Eros? — “Where is Eros, the ancient Greek god of love? I’m horny.”
Well, there you have it — all of the most important phrases in the Spanish language! Just remember, the only way to make sure they remain embedded in your memory is to use them repeatedly, preferably with native speakers. Don’t know any native speakers? Hire some day laborers! This is a great way to practice your Spanish while making new friends and getting those petunias pruned in time for the barbecue this weekend.
Au revoir! (Oops, I mean auf Wiedersehen!)
 What do you mean, “What the hell does St. Patrick’s Day have to do with a stupid Spanish lesson!?” St. Patrick was the patron saint of Ireland, right? And the Irish were, at one time, the largest growing immigrant population in America, right? And Mexicans and their Central and South American brethren are currently the largest growing immigrant population in America, right? So what’s the problem! Yeesh, get off my back already mom.
 In Uzbekistan