A Zero Among Us

In tough times like these, everybody could use a hero. That’s why I’ve listened to “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias 793 times in a row on iTunes. It’s the only thing getting me through the days. And nights. And dusks. (Not dawns though — I’m doing fine with dawns so far.) What’s more, after so many listens, I’ve noticed that there seems to be another, deeper layer to “Hero,” a subtle message hidden just below its soul-piercing surface, screaming to be set free. Through a love and devotion not seen since I first discovered Snood, I have deciphered this diaphanous subtext, exposing Enrique’s seamy, steamy underbelly for all the world to see. Here, for the first time, are the lyrics behind the lyrics of that latin lover’s liberating libretto, “Hero.”

***

[Whispered] Let me be your hero… (I can make you orgasm just by whispering.)

Would you dance…if I asked you to dance? (Wait, really? Even the lambada?)
Would you run…and never look back? (Who are you, Forest Gump?)
Would you cry…if you saw me crying? (And I punched you in the nose.)
Would you save…my…soul…tonight? (I’m a dirty, dirty sinner.)

Would you tremble…if I touched your lips? (Don’t even worry about that canker.)
Would you laugh? Oh please tell me this. (I will also accept “that” or “the other.”)
Now would you die…for the one you love? (Coward.)
Hold me in…your…arms…tonight. (Say, is that a new deodorant?)

Chorus
I can be your hero baby! (Or your grinder, torpedo, or submarine sandwich—your call!)
I can kiss away the pain! (Unless you’ve still got that canker.)
I will stand by you forever! (Damn, is forever up yet?)
You…can…take…my breath away. (What the—is that chloroform? Get away from me! HELP! HELLllllll……)

Would you swear…that you’ll always be mine? (Fuckin’ shit yeah I will!)
Would you lie? Would you run away? (Didn’t I already run without looking back?)
Am I in too deep? (Yes.)
Have I lost my mind? (Yes.)
I don’t care; you’re here tonight. (Yes. No, wait, what?)

Chorus
I can be your hero baby! (Superman or Batman—I’ve got both sets of pajamas.)
I can kiss away the pain! (Soooo…how’s that canker doing?)
I will stand by you forever! (You know that’s a metaphor, right?)
You…can…take…my breath away. (Seriously, when was the last time you showered?)

I just want to hold you… (Aww, that’s sweet.)
I just want to hold you… (Woah, déjà vu.)
Am I in too deep? (I swear, this all seems so familiar…)
Have I lost my mind? (Ohhhhhhh. Well, that explains the repetition.)
Well I don’t care; you’re here tonight. (If you don’t care, why the hell do you keep asking me?!?)

Chorus
I can be your hero baby. (Does this codpiece make me look fat?)
I can kiss away the pain. (COUGH Canker! COUGH)
I will stand by you forever. (Holy crap, somebody get me a chair.)
You…can…take…my breath away. (Aww, geeze, not in the right in the solar plexus.)

Chorus
I can be your hero baby. (Okay, I admit it: I cannot, in fact, be your hero.)
I can kiss away the pain. (Oh, what the hell. They’re not always an indication of herpes, right?)
I will stand by you forever. (Check out these gnarly blisters!)
You…can…take…my breath away. (But I’m gonna need it back real soon, okay. Hey, I’m not playing around. HACK, WHEEZE. Seriously, give it back. CHOKE. Oh God, I see a bright light.)

You…can…take…my breath away. (I’m coming mama! We’ll be together again soon!)
I…can…be…your hero. (Probably shoulda set the bar a little lower, eh?)

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2 Responses to A Zero Among Us

  1. amy says:

    Omg, I saw him in concert and he pulled a little tween up on stage and sang it to her, thought she was gonna pass out from all the exictment

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