Some time ago I posted a list of books I would like to write some day but that would probably never be published. I then invited readers to comment on which of the heretofore nonexistent books they would like to read excerpts from.
Needless to say, the response was overwhelming. In fact, that list became my most commented upon weg entry to date, with three — that’s right, three — different people making suggestions about what they would like to read. I managed to knock out the first two requests in short order but, regrettably, was forced to take a brief hiatus in the midst of creating the third due to an increased volume of actual work at, well, work.
Frivolous paychecks aside, the day you’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived. So, in response to Spiced Rack’s desperate plea for oleaginous literature, here it is, the long-awaited excerpt from my newest potential bestseller, Masturbation for Bastard Haitians: Advanced Self-Pleasuring Techniques for Islanders Born Out of Wedlock on the Western Third of the Island Nation of Hispaniola.
CHAPTER 7 – Lubrications for Bastard Haitians
Although we established back in Chapter One that your parents were probably Godless whores, what may not have been made clear to this point is that you—or, more specifically, your genitals—don’t have to suffer for it. Whether long of schlong, pruned of poon, or cushy of tushy, lubrication is an essential yet underutilized component of the self-pleasuring process.
Of course, not all licentious tendencies are the same when it comes to the ol’ “grease release,” which is why commercial lubrication is sold in a wide variety of styles, flavors, and consistencies, each with its own advantages and disadvantages. Unfortunately, such an eclectic assortment often leaves the inexperienced “organ soloist” grasping at straws rather than his or her own private fun parts. Fortunately, the majority of our readers out there today are Haitian, and thus almost certainly too poor to afford any of the aforementioned products anyway. This will make life much easier. (Being poor won’t make life easier, of course—I’ve read magazine articles during my insurance-covered doctor’s appointments about how annoying that can be—but choosing between lubes is definitely simpler when you can’t afford to actually buy any.)
Rather than rubbing your face in all the delightful oils, creams, balms, jellies, ointments, unguents, and emulsions you don’t have access to,1 we’re going to take a look at a few simple but effective—hell, maybe even infective—personal lubricants you can make right in the privacy of your own home. (I’m speaking rhetorically, of course, as odds are against you actually having a home. Fortunately, the techniques and recipes related herein are as easy to prepare in a roadside ditch as they are in a one room lean-to with 17 malnourished children clamoring for your attention.)
First up is Banana Lube. For this recipe, you will need—yup, you guessed it—mangoes. You see, besides coffee (which we’ll cover—and which will cover us—later on in the chapter), mangoes are one of Haiti’s primary exports, and much easier to come by than bananas. Why even bother calling it “Banana Lube,” you ask? That’s simple: We’re out of our fucking minds. But that doesn’t mean we don’t know what we’re talking about when it comes to homemade lubrication, so keep reading!
First off, you must set about acquiring eleven unripened mangoes. Once you have done so, stack them gently in the corner of your lean-to (or ditch) and cover them with some palm fronds. Congratulations, you now have dinner for the next month! Now go find a single, very ripe mango that we can use to make the actual lubrication.
Found one yet? No? Try checking over by the dead cat.
No, the other dead cat.
There you go. Now that you’ve got your über-mushy mango, crack that sucker open with your freakishly thin hands and grab a healthy fistful of the goop inside. Still with me? Great, because we’re almost at the best part. Making sure not to spill any of the precious, pulpy innards, gently toss the empty mango rind aside to free your remaining hand and use it (your hand, not the rind) to remove the poorly stitched-together hopes and dreams you call pantaloons. Since it’s laughably unlikely that you own any shirts, you should be totally toutouni at this point. Now that maximum nudity has been achieved, all that’s left to do is smear the feculent fruit flesh all over your crusty, nit-infested nether regions and go to town! Bingo, instant Banana Lube!!!
Up next: Spanking with Planking. In this section, we’ll teach you how to get off using nothing but rotting wood (wood, HA!) from your voodoo neighbor’s shanty dwelling!
1. I bet you’d like that though, wouldn’t you.