Where does the deception end?
After finally coming to terms with the fact that tween poop — err, pop sensation Hannah Montana is, in reality, merely the scripted television personality of genuine human Miley Cyrus — but that Miley herself is also a tween pop sensation in her own right — my world has once again been thrown into the sort of chaos and turmoil usually reserved for estrogen-amped brides-to-be during Filene’s Basement’s annual wedding gown sale.
So what exactly is this synapse-fracturing announcement that has caused me to stoop to wegging’s lowest common denominator and post a sodding YouTube video? Only the bitter revelation that, even though Miley has always been upfront about the delineation between herself and her Hannah Montana character, she apparently has been much less forthcoming about the delineation between herself and, well, herself. As it turns out, Miley’s real name isn’t “Miley” at all; it’s the utterly gag-worthy Destiny Hope.
I mean, good God Billy Ray! As if “Achy Breaky Heart” didn’t already put you in the running for biggest redneck of all time. Where the hell did you come up with “Destiny Hope”? The Big Book of Children’s Names for Parents Who Definitely Want Their Kids to Grow Up to Be Strippers?1
Fortunately for me and my sanity, Destiny Hope (:gerk: sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little) is currently in the process of making “Miley” her legal name. Let’s just hope the slothy bureaucrats handling the procedure cut through the standard legal entanglements a lot more quickly than usual, because judging by the — uhh, “success” of her predecessors, it won’t be long before Disney is going to have to start filming Hannah Montana on-set at the Golden Banana. (Hmmm, that’s got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Hannah Montana at the Golden Banana. Now that’s a 3-D movie I’d pay $15 bucks for! …err, in a couple years I mean. Sweet statutory!)
1. Other entries featured in The Big Book of Children’s Names for Parents Who Definitely Want Their Kids to Grow Up to Be Strippers: “Chastity,” “Bambi,” “Sally Sitsonface” (Italian origins – pronounced “sits-on-fah-chay”), and “Juggs McKenzie .”